my world!

i started lifting and running again. i am learning a lot about proper health and taking good care of my body. it's hard to believe i have neglected it so long. it feels so good to exercise regularly! all of my life i have been sendentary and my parents always struggled with their weight, they never had good eating habits, were depressed/workaholics and that behavior rubbed off on me.

i've never been within the "overweight" bmi range so it's a little embarassing (yes, i know bmi doesn't account for muscle-- i am not worried about that haha.) then again, i have *never* had healthy eating habits. when I was rail thin it was out of self-neglect and being depressed, there was nothing healthy about me back then either. i think i did a lot of stress eating with school, work, moving twice in one year AGAIN. argh. i am trying to lose about 25 pounds or so. i have already lost five (and yes, its not water weight, i weigh in regularly x]), yay! i'm going all in-- tracking my macros, lifts, calorie counting, doing c25k etc.

i saw myself in some photos recently, and i sort of felt sad. i don't look terrible, but my appearance just looks a little neglected. my hair is in very bad shape (i would cut my own hair to save money but do so badly, i haven't cut it in a year and it is now thin, stringy and frizzy), i look a little too plump, sometimes my clothes look like they fit on me a little awkwardly (i have been slowly buying new clothes to replace all the hand-me-downs and ill-informed thrifts) or i look generally disheveled. partly my personality (i tend to be absent minded so some forgiveness is in order) but mostly i think it's neglect. i used to be much worse. i brush daily twice now, always wash my face morning and night, shower regularly, brush my hair, use deodorant. these are things i did much more sparsely/inconsisently before recently.

health is something you have to put a lot of effort into and learn about actively. it's not just something granted to you just because you don't have a serious ailment or your habits are common/socially acceptable (mine of which, most of them probably werent lol). on top of that, health is something people in poverty easily neglect because it takes so much effort, because being poor is so tiring already. and that goes widely dismissed as laziness or slobbishness when it is really the symptoms of someone totally overspent. it's very easy to see that now.

i remember 3 years ago during some of the worst times for me financially, i think i sent some items to a friend. and although i still think this was distasteful to say, he said they had a "poor person smell." i got really angry at the time, and just thought it was a tasteless statement to make laden with classism. but sadly through my own experiences, meeting people, seeing people on the train, i have come understood why he would say something like that. it is undeniably true that you can tell someones social strata by their hygiene. there is indeed a "poor person smell." i can only really understand this in hindsight, after experiencing the middle class once more to compare. (i still think it was a rude thing to say, though...)

i was chatting with a young man the other day, and i remember i asked him if he lived in chicago or if he just moved here. he paused, broke eyecontact, and said he moved. he was so disheveled looking, i could tell he was most likely unhoused. i wanted to help him but i didn't want to give unsolicited help or advice, or have an air of saviorhood. and i asked the question because i didn't want to presume his circumstances, i wanted to treat him like a normal person because he is one, just one a bad place. he enjoyed watching me and my friend group draw. we all drew pictures of him and he was super excited about it, he told us he used to draw. i encouraged him to pick it up again.

so yeah health has been on my mind a lot in general. i think i will see a stylist from now on and try to get my hair cut by a professional, it's what theyre for. people go to school for cutting hair, i dont think the money saved is really worth it, not that i had much of a choice before. maybe i will start styling it, just overall try to look a little more polished. i look like a shaggy dog rn hehe.. also, i have *always* wanted to get bloodwork done. and go see a derm about my thin hair + my skin in general. i have to get a mammogram cuz breast cancer runs in my family, i gotta take the cats to the vet for a checkup, one of them has started getting mats so HE needs a groomer....... its incredible how many choices i have to take care of myself that i didn't have before.

im just confused on how lucky i got. now i get to fear losing it and like i don't deserve it. cause i kinda don't. i haven't truly earned anything, i was just lucky enough to not be born a foxconn slave. i don't really want to ever fall back into thinking i deserve or i am entitled to any of my lifestyle. since i've been able to slow down on my schoolwork, i've been reading and drawing more. though i've tried to put more emphasis on reading.

i dont think i can communicate anything worthwhile if i'm not actively seeking to develop my understanding of the world around me, how things came to be. right now i'm curious about marxism and trying to read some primary texts. i'm definetely a communist but i'm too ill informed of history and theory to ever be challenged seriously in a debate. i'm not used to having so much more free time, with this cushy job. i think it's only fair to give some of it back by reading theory and trying to make sense of the cruelty that is necessary for me to functionally exist, as a newly admitted member of the consumer/middle class.

third-worldism and topics of imperialism have captured my interest the most. mainly because of palestinian genocide, how it's impossible for it to be subsumed by capitalism because it directly exposes its contradictions (unlike the pride movement or 'pinkwashing'). right now i am reading 'how to read donald duck', a marxist analysis of liberal conditioning in disney comics. it's much easier to get a foothold on this stuff when it combines a present interest.

like one interesting point was how in the world of disney, characters are distanced from familial love and obligations, because that would imply a presence of sex. so you have these sexless pacts of uncles-and-nieces who are perpetually at each other's disposal, no formal sense of intimacy obliges them to set standards for parenting that may rival the ideal of the consumer-- the parents of children of course. you get these really weird narratives that are supposed to be "comedic" but just normalize owner-wageslaver relationships. it's a great book just go read it...

umm what else. i did try to join a local party near me but, i ended up becoming a sustainer. it just felt weird- i would just hang out on street corners and pass out their pamphlets which were vaguely persuasive socialist-sounding texts, no real sense of specificity, moreso like ohh the revolution has to happen cause of x y z. but we'd be handing these out in middle/upper-class neighborhoods, who would have interest in a revolution "happening" other than fellow white liberal-arts college kids? which was the majority of the population. i'm a sustainer now i guess cause atleast they're publishing good literature and its better than doing nothing, probably. i don't have a lot of hope in selling newspapers to rich folks walking their purebred labordoodles.. i just get yelled at haha. i still like some of the people there though and plan on attending some of their meetings.

that's like, the majority of whats been going on. i made a new friend and it's been fun to hang with them lots, rekindled another friendship too. i've bought some new clothes-- super excited to work on decorating my apartment with the raise. for me personally things are very good. but i don't feel comfortable getting too comfortable, i kinda know how precarious it all is.

when i realized i was leaving my job i got really sad again and cried. cause i think i felt attached to the people there but i know they felt no attachment to me whatsoever, judging by their reactions at the notion i would be cutting my hours and soon leaving. but i mean i tend to make things about myself and think that people care about me more than they really do. i am used to unrequited closeness. work was my only social outlet besides my partner, who i havent been able to see lately. so i guess as trying to cope with that, i tried to get closer to my coworkers. but i know i dont understand most people, i know all my intimate feelings are of my own invention.

but the same thing is wrong with me that always was. this undescriable thing that harbors me from developing closeness with others. that keeps me inside my room on my computer, or with the company of my sketchbook... it's not shyness, really, i'm not shy anymore. i'm a little socially awkward but not sure if it's above average. i try to start and keep conversations but i'm never able to click with others. even my relationship with my own partner, i still harbor this sense of fear and, am not able to fully give myself up at times, though obviously they are the only person i've had some success with.

i think if i didnt have this "thing" i wouldn't be an artist. because the only reason i think i have not fallen into total despair at confronting this sense of alienation, is because drawing pictures makes me happy. even if they are trite fanarts of works i like or just mediocre etchings of trees. i will be able to be close with someone when they see my pictures. we can connect cause i am able to portray how much i enjoy this or that thing too. and people can't lie about whether or not they like a picture, you can just feel it in their faces or their voice. somehow, i find it harder to detect false closeness when describing a friendship or intimacy between myself and a person, versus when observing their reaction to one of my pictures.

in this way i can avoid spirals of self-piteous behavior. by channeling my loneliness into something that thrives off those conditions. cause i dont think this is something can improve. i mean i will keep trying, but i am entrenched.

so i got an internship!! yeah. pretty pawesome? i'm still waiting on the offer letter, but yeah. its in the loop literally minutes away from the art mueseum. when i interviewed i didnt expect anything out of it cause idk it felt really too good to be true. but the building is really pretty/nice inside (lots of artwork by local artists, lakeside view), all the people are super down to earth, and theres potential for it becoming a fulltime position. if they hire me fulltime idk if i'd ever want to leave :'] only an hour commute via redline.

also, i found a life drawing place and i've been going there with my bf. ive been so happy to find time for us to draw together again, he works from home a day out of the week so my retail schedule has been easier to cope with. the people are nice and i can really feel myself pushing to improve in my art skills! im so rusty sadly cause ive been so busy with school. but i think school has disciplined me to become a better learner in general. i've made a good habit out of studying things im not always very interested in, just to meet a requirement, so studying things im supremely passionate about has become easier i've noticed.

i feel like i've really gotten ahead in shaping my life into what i want it to be. i feel a little more control over things, even if its probably placebo. i have a lot of the things i've been dreaming about having for a while. soon i can make room for more personal development-- reading books, developing my artistic ideaology/path. yeah, i've still gotta meet that resolution of drawing pip/maya! don't worry, its been on my mind everyday.

deep down i still feel survivors guilt. because all of these luxuries are granted by the shoulders of people suffering in "developing" (imperialized) countries. and therefore i feel this responsibility to maintain that awareness and not get too attached i guess, or put too much importance on it. evil can manifest itself in very mundane ways, in simply wanting things in your life to stay the same because you dont want them to change for the better for others.

i watched this movie called 'the zone of interest' recently that made me think more about that. i feel like thats sort of how most americans are coping with palestine, for example.. myself included. ignore it because uprooting the power structures that exist to enforce it are also what enable you to get funny iced coffees and work from home. its a polarizing topic i have to read more about. (to understand what the appropriate reactions of americans should be in regards to genocide, i mean. i am not an israeli sympathizer just to be clear here lol)

what else have i been thinking about... oh yeah, ive been reading 'the denial of death' by ernest becker. it's really a cool subject, cause, when i had that bad trip after taking too many edibles it was a direct confrantation of the inevitability of suffering and in order to escape that/return to normal i had to get used to/comfortable with deluding myself again. so reading this book has made me think about the necessity of intentional ignorance, which relates to the mundaneity of evil and complaency i guess. man, i REALLY want to get into writing essays about my favorite books, but i have to prioritize other things with my time rn unfortunately. i will absolutely make a section in the future though.