when i realized i was leaving my job i got really sad again and cried. cause i think i felt attached to the people there but i know they felt no attachment to me whatsoever, judging by their reactions at the notion i would be cutting my hours and soon leaving. but i mean i tend to make things about myself and think that people care about me more than they really do. i am used to unrequited closeness. work was my only social outlet besides my partner, who i havent been able to see lately. so i guess as trying to cope with that, i tried to get closer to my coworkers. but i know i dont understand most people, i know all my intimate feelings are of my own invention.

but the same thing is wrong with me that always was. this undescriable thing that harbors me from developing closeness with others. that keeps me inside my room on my computer, or with the company of my sketchbook... it's not shyness, really, i'm not shy anymore. i'm a little socially awkward but not sure if it's above average. i try to start and keep conversations but i'm never able to click with others. even my relationship with my own partner, i still harbor this sense of fear and, am not able to fully give myself up at times, though obviously they are the only person i've had some success with.

i think if i didnt have this "thing" i wouldn't be an artist. because the only reason i think i have not fallen into total despair at confronting this sense of alienation, is because drawing pictures makes me happy. even if they are trite fanarts of works i like or just mediocre etchings of trees. i will be able to be close with someone when they see my pictures. we can connect cause i am able to portray how much i enjoy this or that thing too. and people can't lie about whether or not they like a picture, you can just feel it in their faces or their voice. somehow, i find it harder to detect false closeness when describing a friendship or intimacy between myself and a person, versus when observing their reaction to one of my pictures.

in this way i can avoid spirals of self-piteous behavior. by channeling my loneliness into something that thrives off those conditions. cause i dont think this is something can improve. i mean i will keep trying, but i am entrenched.

so i got an internship!! yeah. pretty pawesome? i'm still waiting on the offer letter, but yeah. its in the loop literally minutes away from the art mueseum. when i interviewed i didnt expect anything out of it cause idk it felt really too good to be true. but the building is really pretty/nice inside (lots of artwork by local artists, lakeside view), all the people are super down to earth, and theres potential for it becoming a fulltime position. if they hire me fulltime idk if i'd ever want to leave :'] only an hour commute via redline.

also, i found a life drawing place and i've been going there with my bf. ive been so happy to find time for us to draw together again, he works from home a day out of the week so my retail schedule has been easier to cope with. the people are nice and i can really feel myself pushing to improve in my art skills! im so rusty sadly cause ive been so busy with school. but i think school has disciplined me to become a better learner in general. i've made a good habit out of studying things im not always very interested in, just to meet a requirement, so studying things im supremely passionate about has become easier i've noticed.

i feel like i've really gotten ahead in shaping my life into what i want it to be. i feel a little more control over things, even if its probably placebo. i have a lot of the things i've been dreaming about having for a while. soon i can make room for more personal development-- reading books, developing my artistic ideaology/path. yeah, i've still gotta meet that resolution of drawing pip/maya! don't worry, its been on my mind everyday.

deep down i still feel survivors guilt. because all of these luxuries are granted by the shoulders of people suffering in "developing" (imperialized) countries. and therefore i feel this responsibility to maintain that awareness and not get too attached i guess, or put too much importance on it. evil can manifest itself in very mundane ways, in simply wanting things in your life to stay the same because you dont want them to change for the better for others.

i watched this movie called 'the zone of interest' recently that made me think more about that. i feel like thats sort of how most americans are coping with palestine, for example.. myself included. ignore it because uprooting the power structures that exist to enforce it are also what enable you to get funny iced coffees and work from home. its a polarizing topic i have to read more about. (to understand what the appropriate reactions of americans should be in regards to genocide, i mean. i am not an israeli sympathizer just to be clear here lol)

what else have i been thinking about... oh yeah, ive been reading 'the denial of death' by ernest becker. it's really a cool subject, cause, when i had that bad trip after taking too many edibles it was a direct confrantation of the inevitability of suffering and in order to escape that/return to normal i had to get used to/comfortable with deluding myself again. so reading this book has made me think about the necessity of intentional ignorance, which relates to the mundaneity of evil and complaency i guess. man, i REALLY want to get into writing essays about my favorite books, but i have to prioritize other things with my time rn unfortunately. i will absolutely make a section in the future though.