cmisali
:
[03.15.24]
i think i am ok being alone, actually. i've been learning more about people and the average person and how i just dont feel very interested in them. i used to get jealous when i'd see people hang out together in big groups cause i wanted friendship like that, but theres nothing wrong with what i have now. i mean i have a partner, and i just dont feel as happy hanging out with anyone else.
i've been more selective about the people i spend time with and less afraid to speak my mind in general, i guess i care a lot less about what people expect of me on the whole. i dont do it in ways that get me in trouble though-- unless i'm ok with it.
by that i mean, i had this one conversation with a friend online where they basically tried to solicit compliments out of me. which is something i do not do period-- if someone is asking directly about what i think they will either get the full picture or none at all. i don't understand how a relationship as transcational as fishing for compliments should be acceptable, its just disrespectful and youre just being used as a vice for their inferiority complex. it's also insincere which i really don't like. i want to pride myself on sincerity whenever possible. so i decided not to put up with it at risk of tanking my friendship. why be friends with someone who doesn't want to understand me? its like an oxymoron at that point.
on an unrelated note. this is embarassing to admit but, basically i tried this friendship app called bumble bff the other week. really one of my lowest plights for real life social connection, and what set me on being a voluntary social outcast forever. it went pretty much as expected-- met a lot of people i didnt really click well enough with to persue the friendship any further. most conversations felt one sided, awkward, boring or forced.
i did meet one person who i got on pretty well with, i liked their music, taste in art etc. so i tried meeting up with them. it was a bad time LOL. it was jsut this awfully loud, rowdy bar with terrible djing, bad food just bad everything. i actually liked hanging out with the person themselves, they were very sweet and i had a good time drawing with them. but i could kinda tell from the gist of our conversation (that managed to travel above the headache inducing noise) we were just on different pages in life entirely.
i think i have a big ego or something cause, i just dont see myself as having much in common with the average person anyway. my beliefs, experiences and understandings are totally antithetical to the average socialist dem upper class 20 something going to private school. as a person i'm an anomaly, i went from being a millionares daughter to a bootstrapper working retail and going to fasfa-funded college. even in other countries i think i would just struggle to relate to others cause my life has just been so fucked up and weird. it has been a lifelong issue for me, to make friends, as well, even when i was a child and reasonably more sane and healthy. i am starting to understand why, yes it is my fault but i think it makes my life better, actually.
i think being alone i have more room to be creative and think whatever i want. and really, my urges for socialization are fufilled by those i meet on the internet, because i think the internet draws people who are similar to me. so in that way, i dont let my ego get ahead of me in thinking im unique. i love meeting freaks online, and the places i get to travel to and see from meeting up with them in person. it's not bad, i'm grateful and i think i'm okay with things this way.
i've been craving playing minecraft lately with this new friend i made online. i wish i was less busy with work and school. i really miss drawing, playing videogames, reading. i've been doing more interviews for internships-- hopefully my life will manifest into something more peaceful soon... looking back at previous pages, my journal's been more sparse. i've gotta make more time to reflect on things, it helps bring them all together.