i'm just going to copy and paste my discord logs, because i don't really feel like reliving the experience more than i already have. but as terrifying as it was i do appreciate the insights that came from it. probably never doing edibles again though, idc how horrible my period cramps get. ._.

[ 9:32 AM ] dust : I kept thinking about the infalliable fact that illness and death is unavoidable and how i am destined to eventually see everyone in my life sick or at deaths door
[ 9:32 AM ] dust : How in waking life i regard it as something mundane and unavoidable but deep down how horrifying it is and how unable i am to reconcile with that and properly show appreciation for those i care about in my day to day
[ 9:33 AM ] dust : It was spurred on by reading camus' the plague like that book has so much heavy shit that it piles on you
[ 9:34 AM ] dust : Its a really amazing distillation of the pains and pleasures of reality but because it does that so well it also haunts you
[ 9:35 AM ] dust : ive never had a book give me secondhand tramua like a liveleak video LOL jesus christ i wont share it here for thsoe who are morbidly curious enough to read it
[ 9:35 AM ] dust : i think without such extremities in depictions of imagery it wouldnt have told its message so well
[ 9:38 AM ] dust : I couldnt remember a lot from my psychosis ep except for three things 1. i kept trying to understand and process camus' definition of the absurd i got obsessed with it mentally but it made me nauseous 2. i wanted to scream but i still had some grasp of social cues which kept me placid but also added to my fear of being a trapped animal unable to express pain 3. nothing was able to calm me but i laid down and started thinking about all the art i saw and all the ideas i had to express and i started to come down
[ 9:40 AM ] dust : I tried everything like a cold shower i tried music i tried laying down on a cold floor it was kind of like reality was penetrating me from all sides the complexity of everything was molesting me and the understandings of things im usually able to block out to focus on what is presently at hand was attacking my senses from all sides
[ 9:41 AM ] dust : Both in psychical sensation and conceptually
[ 9:43 AM ] dust : But when i thought about art i thought about how it's able to make peace of all these moving gears and parts and how its able to tie things together. it presents a different interpretation of reality, one that has self awareness of being wrong and embraces that as part of its conception
[ 9:44 AM ] dust : and i felt calm after that, cause i think making art reminds me its okay to have a wrong understanding of things, you can have your own personal understanding and it'll always change as you learn more but you can accept your understanding for what it is in a given moment
[ 9:46 AM ] dust : I think that was the only good thing to come out of that. cause sometimes i question why even draw or, what makes drawing so deserving of my attention over other pursuits. its cause its calming when everything is overwhelming.

reading more about camus, a bit of his biography. he's talked about the myth of sisyphus and how he thinks sisyphus is probably pretty happy pushing that rock up a hill, thinking one day of residing among the divine. thats sort of how i feel about art i guess right now. constantly pushing a skill ceiling to try to touch into something godly. some people get closer to the top than others, but we will still be stuck in the cycle of the rock barreling us back down over and over, reminding us of our fallibilities before we get back up again to repeat the same useless cycle. but theres an enjoyment to the illusion that we will make it to the top one day.

i like camus because as much as he acknowledges the uselessness of many activities and persuits he still preaches humanism and thinks empathy and understanding through communication takes precesdence, we shouldnt ignore the poor or hungry just because some stupid book said that nothing matters anyway. i feel like he really highlights this in the plague with the deep sense of comradery rieux has with members of his community in "fighting" the plague. when tarrou gives up going back to his home country and reuniting his wife because he is bounded by the tramua he mutually shares with the town, that was a very poignant scene to me.

been listening to new music lately too. feel myself drawn to more "raw" and unpolished stuff. i realize the prevalence of taste i used to have in things that actually feel overworked to me now. i think when you work on something too much you whittle it down of its original self. sometimes the original is incomprehensible and doesn't deliver on its intent so it does need to be shaped up but on the other hand if you work on it too much it can become overworked and lose it's original spark.

with the emphasis put on work, "productivity" and cleanliness nowadays in the collective conciousness i think i would rather risk creating something underworked than overworked. i dont like work culture and strive to avoid it whenever possible haha. my goal is to have a job where i do as little as possible and do it remotely so i can get away with drawing more. :p

its something good for me to learn probably cause i think a lot of my work in the past has suffered from being too stiff. coming from a need to do things "right". i think ideally drawings should be drawn right on the first time without too many iterations so they can retain their freshness. kind of like the idea with brush economy that john singer sargent employs so well. if it's taken too many iterations/strokes you should scrape it away or start all over again. it's really subtle and hard to detect as a concept but the sense of something overworked can be there in many forms, visual, auditory, kinesthetic (sculpture) so on..

anyway, back on topic. i have been exploring a youtube rabbithole of underground 90s post-hardcore emo. i have a friend with good taste in music and exploring her reccomendations has led me down an algromithmic rabbithole of other good stuff.

heres one band i like by the name purl. they have a somber sound that i think is a little melancholy but it doesn't feel dramatic or overstated: link

another one is friends unseen. link. i love the lyrics in drowning act. such a concise grieving of abandoned desires and alienation between people. both of the singles are great though

this one is a much more intense rebuttal of circumstances and attempts to self-dignify oneself. link. simple thematically but it delivers/excutes well and resonates.

same character as above.

pip. very well established as a character in my head. he's a timid, polite type. but he's no coward. bold but not rude.

knight. no name yet. i have some sad associations with this character, but i realize i can take it as an oppertunity to develop them further and give them more weight with their personhood. he protects something very useless to the world but very important and special to him.

same character as above.

little doodles i made of another well established character i have, maya. she's also very bold, but very rude about it. but its a product of ignorance, not malice.

a drawing i made of what her room might look like. got some good design tips from a friend.

new guy. no idea what to do with him yet

character i might scrap or refine. she looks a little too prissy. it might be more interesting for her to look beautiful but very beaten down by life and beginning to fade away.

the only things on my mind have been financial instablity and social isolation. general sense of apathy is developing and i feel like a little seashell drifting away from the only ties i share with other people. the feeling comes and goes though. so i come back to my art cause i've got control over it and nothing else.

the part that sucks the most is when you realize youve been shit all this time when you actually try your hardest, and its not that youre hiding away your own talent or something, you really are just at that shitty skill level. if youre not trying your hardest then i don't know why its fruitful to even make something. because if youre not trying your hardest then you have no sense of urgency to fufill something that needs doing and fufilling it in the rightmost, best possible way.

i think good work has to come from a place of urgency to create it. thats the only way it can be sincere is it makes a case for itself to exist regardless of it people want it to. i think weaker artwork i guess satisfies a weaker, passing, casual urge. it's not really born of a necessity to fill someones own niche moreso to follow what already exists and, either get other peoples approval as a result or stay comfortable with something that vaguely checks a couple boxes of satisfaction.

but the more personal something is the more niche it is. and it has to be accompanied by a sense of urgency, for the person to do their utmost best and work as hard as they can on it, they must have a reason that goes beyond social satisfaction though its okay to make artwork with communication with others in mind of course. i don't know if i believe in artwork thats made in total isolation unless that person happens to be forced into those circumstances, out of their control (in the case of "outsider artwork" and mental illness, or "folk art" that is made in a vaccum out of simply bordeom and the urge to escape that bordeom)

went on a tangent. i am glad to be talking and thinking about art again, i try not to do it too much though because sometimes the things to be said about it become circular. and its also important to engage with other topics like philosophy, history, politics etc. because those inform artistic desicions too by informing a worldview. art exists to represent one's personal sense of truth, informed by self discovery... (i think.)

now that im mostly done with moving, i can introduce art into my life again. when i do, my urge for some sort of community or friendship sort of dissapates. i notice i'm not always thinking about it these days and im mostly satisfied with online friendships. i guess that is why i have been drawing for a very very long time, because you come to peace with and embrace loneliness.

my bf and i had little ceasars and i tore into that shit so hard!!! never knew a hunger could be so ravenous, i ate half the entire thing. my caloric needs i think are almost 2.7k roughly (i am tall) but i probably get maybe half that on a daily basis. might be time to start visiting food banks again... the cost of groceries is horrendous and while we have money, are in a financially fragile position where it's probably better to save than to not.

i think, despite liking my job somewhat, i'm taking it home still. i have dreams of remembering orders, running around, always in the mode of looking for something to fix/do, the routine things i say at the cash register. its like a fight/flight mode that i cant turn off, i feel like i have to be primed for anything, resulting in anxiety. but, its not the kind of anxiety that overwhelms me and makes me have a breakdown like it used to. i just feel it, but i have control over it in the sense i don't let myself get disorganized or chaotic. i try to integrate principles of stoicism for the time being because, while i absolutely discourage complacency, unfortunately being able to utilize a slave mentality for a temporary period can come in handy in times of need. epictetus was a slave for most of his youth afterall..

anyway on a brighter note. my job was funny yesterday. there was a horde of maybe 7 or 8 11-12 year old children all paying upfront for bubble tea in cash. it was sweet i think they hadn't entirely learned the value of money yet so, they were the biggest tippers. it was really funny there was one kid who was like "we're your best customers!!" i said "yeah probably honestly" lol.

there were a couple teenagers who asked me for help getting rid of a wasp. they had the idea of luring it with sugar water so that it wouldn't feel inclined to sting if it were unhappy with a trap/release. i used the straw from my leftover free drink, and huzzah! it worked, wasp was free.

yeah, not much else. ive been spending my weekend mornings studying on my laptop in a cafe with my bf. the coffee is kinda expensive but, it's worth it to have spending habits that aren't entirely utilitarian, you have to break up that mindset otherwise you'll go insane or dead inside completely. when i have that fucking helpdesk job finally, i'm just gonna spend a shit ton on food and never worry about it again. never look at a price again, when it comes to food. ever!

when i was at my moms house and with her and her boyfriend i felt a mutual closeness. like despite the shit we put each other through and all the suffering, here is a woman who has known me my whole life, and her boyfriend who i'm close with, he has known me the entireity of my newfound growth over the last three years. i was so happy to be known, when my mom got me those gifts for my birhtday, i forgot that someone knew the real me.

in my day-to-day life i feel like such an alien, fragmented person. an empty vessel to serving others means, a platform maybe. when i serve customers at a counter i remember that i am esentially an obstacle temporarily entering their bubble. and outside of work it seems the case too. people just are aversive on principle, nothing new about that. here i am, another telephone pole.

my depression i think comes from craving something communal, a desperation for human interaction. i have a history of codependency on others, especially romantic partners, and thats what i'm trying to avoid overburdening my partner with right now. attention or acknowlegement is sincerely like crack to me. why i'm obsessed with this negative notion of being invisible is so silly because, it provides a good enviornment for my work. but i just cant construe my mindset, whatever way i twist it, to enjoying loneliness.

i want to alleviate my partners worries because he already has enough and, if i really expressed what i was feeling all the time, id be crying everyday, which i used to. for a little while i was able to fight it. to look at things in a brighter way and be very grateful. i still think i have learned many valuable things from losing so much in my life and i would still say i am happier now than before, relatively, even if i wonder many days while i am making breakfast the pros and cons of killing myself. i guess i feel, less sour, less distainful. i can't pin my blame on others for my sadness, because nobody holds responsibility except for myself for it.

it kind of leads to a lot of dishonesty, and almost silliness now? since i can't bring myself to words anymore, i just cry while cleaning the house and unable to answer my partners questions about why im crying. if i were an outsider maybe it would look sort of funny. crying has become that sort of mundane to me. it feels like sneezing but emotionally. there is just a wall of shit constantly bashing down on me and i can only let it go in the only way ive known how since childhood.

i'm having trouble eating again, nothing tastes good. i've been trying to count my calories cause i know my weight yo-yoing is not good long term. but everything i eat is like cardboard. i'm not a very good cook either, so that doesn't help.. its like everything tastes disgusting, i felt nauseous trying to eat the simplest pb&j! i practically had to shove it down my throat.

i'm doing all the silly "productive person things" my house is clean, i eat well, i bike run and work an active job, the weather is beautiful outside, but i still want to die. nothing will fill this gap i have. sometimes i wonder if i have manifested my entire self image in trying to be acknowledged. like, theres never been a true persuit of what i actually want to be for myself or want from my own life, i line up dominoes praying for the chance i'll feel that sense of warmth from other people.

i guess i should be very glad my partner is still with me. my problems are so friviolous. its hard, i don't see him much, spending all day alone is something very hard for me. i think i have to acknowledge i feel this way but i can't wade in the waters for too long. i'll get it out here, but spend no more time with it. cause you neglect other things.

well, fate sort of took care of the desicion for whether or not its worth it, because the first day i attempted to work, i missed my bus-to-train transfer which would've made me 15 minutes late to my first day... pretty much a nail in the coffin there. so i didn't show up. navigating back, it was pouring rain and i ran around from street to street with a faulty phone gps trying to figure out which bus stop was the right one. i figured it out after maybe 15 minutes though of looking like a rabid and confused animal. lol.

when i got home, i wasn't really upset or anything about wasted time, though i was anxious about what the hell i'd do for a job. cause atleast i got to enjoy a beautiful night walk and explore parts of the neighborhood i normally wouldnt have.

the same day (i woke up very early that day, 3:30), i just walked around and asked places within walking distance for a job. the 5th place i asked gave me it on the spot, and its a place i actually like too! its a boba tea place. so like, i was all primed and ready already from the online training i took for my previous job, and i am frankly more experienced with boba tea/japanese food places than coffee haha (ex-weaboo, also fun fact boba tea is originally taiwanese, i just happen to work at a place that serves japanese dishes as well).

so yeah, i just finished my first week there, and it went well! i messed up quite a bit the first day or two, but day three and i feel like i've mostly got the hang of things. i thought i would be overwhelmed by the fast pace, but its not bad as long as you focus on one thing at a time and take your time, let speed come naturally. i actually enjoy it, don't look forward to it necessarily (wears you out!) but i can't say i hate it i do like it :) the customers are always patient and my age so friendly and relatable. i have only gotten one "karen" and it was more just kinda funny really than anything hurtful. (said she was "trying to help us" by questioning our sanitation practices throughly... no thank you!)

oh and this job is literally a 6 min walk away from my place. polar opposite of how i was expecting to manage my time, it makes things so much easier cuz now i dont have to navigate weird bus schedules at wee hours and the characters that tend to drift around those hours.

so yeah, what else... introduced myself to my neighbors but, i kinda forgot that i dont live in the south/rural areas anymore so people here a little more distant/cold (though compared to manhattan/seattle, imo chicagoans are the friendlier of the major metropolitan cities ive been to). just a quick hi.

have enjoyed doing my schoolwork/studying at the library, got my critical thinking class done! hoping to do my core 1 comptia test this week or next depending on how i do on practice tests. get that outta the way.

yeah, and i've been unpacking... lots of unpacking. building ikea furniture. 1/3 of my living room is boxes still. the light at the end of the tunnel nears though. i feel bad cause, my boyfriend and I work opposite schedules but need each other as a team, so a lot of the time we spend together is sorting moving stuff out. but! we did go for a little coffee date yesterday and got discounted tonkotsu ramen from my job for dinner. that was fun.

yeah, i'm pretty happy, more or less, one sad thing though just a little quick rant here... a close friend of mine has ghosted me for the time being, though the reason why is obvious, he needs space. i felt kinda sad about it at first but i think he needs distance from all the stuff that happened between us. he is my only real life friend that i'd consider myself close with (besides my partner obviously), so at first it was hard to accept that the time apart would be much longer than originally agreed. but thats okay i have to remind myself that my selfish interests might get in the way of other peoples needs and that if i push things they will go sour. so i will be patient and accept things as they come.

i dont want to go into detail about what happened between us but basically it was something that jeopardized our friendship, his friendship with my boyfriend, and my relationship with my boyfriend. (don't think said friend knows about this site but for privacy's sake.) he is a lonely guy too so i am sure he took it hard also, but we all did the right thing by giving each other space. if he needs space longer than that and acknowledges that about himself that is okay too and the right thing to do.

i've been wondering if theres a significant chance i won't be seeing this close friend again. it's a little early to be grieving necessarily. and focusing on it will cut off oppertunities i get to meet other people. but i have to admit it's been weighing on me. maybe it's something i can address in a work if it comes naturally. i feel like that is what art is best for, is processing these things.