paying attention
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[8.28.23]
i'm still counting down... finally this weekend i will be moving into my apartment fulltime. this week wasn't too interesting, some weird days but mostly relaxing. because i start classes up again sept 1st, really i've just been trying to read the things i want to read that aren't for a piece of paper and work on my art projects in my spare time before it's whittled down to 4 hours a day again, maybe less depending on how things go.
i have felt pretty down about myself... comparing myself to others. it is a chronic issue i have. it used to overrule me and interrupt me from doing what i want to do and need to do, thankfully thats not the case at present. it's still worth it to try, to try to improve oneself in their abilities than to not try at all. there will always be someone ahead of you.
but the people i like and admire, i want to have conversations with, i always feel like i'm talking out of my depth and scope. and like i can't contribute anything. so i just don't want to share anything at all. i really wish i could feel equal to other people. but i just feel like i'm always a step behind. all i can return is a listening ear. but even then i feel so dumb, i'm always at a loss for what questions to ask. it's like my ears are full of concrete and i can't parse the things people talk about, so i can't make conversation. i freeze up when i am presented with something way out of my depth.
i was called pseudointellectual recently and it really hurt. i know i am not a very smart or well read person so why does it hurt, rationally it really shouldn't, i know these things and it's good to stay humble. i just wish i wasn't that way, that i had the resources to devote myself to self study and furthering myself and figuring out the answers to life. my friends are so far ahead of me in knowledge and self expression. i feel like a child approaching everyone, never an equal.
i have been reading camus' the plague. there is a character, a government clerk (couldn't remember so looked it up just now) who i really relate to. he feels inferior to everyone around him, he can only contribute so little, his organizational skills and document-keeping. and he loathes himself because he does not know how to express himself, that is his biggest plight. it manifests as, he never makes any assertive statements, never even to implicate his opinion as possessing the smallest amount of dominion or authority over another's. of course, he's also dirt poor and his pittance only measilier as the cost of living rises. but he can't assert himself, so he tries to resign to a more ascetic life.
i liked reading about him cause it feels a lot like my own circumstances. the role in life i play is so minor i really just stand in everyone elses shadow. i have a minimum wage job, i go to school, i make my lunches and grocery shop on weekends. i don't hop trains or spend all my days studying in deep thought.
the clerk longs to express himself... he has no respect from others in his waking life. he feels like the author is on another plane, they can walk into a room and hold themselves upright. i feel the same way about being an artist. i have no point in which i feel i can hold my head high. every work of my own doesn't compromise something greater, i wouldn't be able to put anything into a gallery, i present nothing than collections of casual drawings.
but i'm working on that. i'm working on something much larger right now, more than a doodle, something i could frame if it went right.
the thing is i don't know if i will ever stop feeling this way, for as long as i live. i feel inferior to everyone, and whoever i bring up the topic with, i can tell they find it bothersome. i just feel like a little fly trying to buzz around someone to navigate and i am such a bother it is better to not worry about the fate of the fly and brush me away. there are many flies in the world without navigation and there are too many to simply focus on one.
i don't like writing self piteous entries like these much, they feel self indulgent especially if i over-engage with the same issue. resolve comes from reading and experiences, those combined will give me convinction. but in my present state, i'm just nothing. my convinctions are, i'm not much of anything, but i think thats okay. i have other things to offer, just like the clerk does, even if theyre very minor and fleeting.
the father i work for at my babysitting job thanked me with suprising sincerity, he said i made his summer. i am glad i helped a person, even at the cost of my own selfish interests. when i am present with others and helping them it reminds me that it is a futile distraction to hate myself while others need me, even in endeavors that seem small.