cue resolve
[8.3.23]
haven't been writing in my journal much.. it can be an overwhelming commitment! think i will keep future entries shorter just so i can make it a consistent habit. i really like documenting my day. so this one will be more of a summary of the last month, some feelings and stuff, a little less detailed just so i can catch up.
...
my boyfriend and i recently got a place in rogers park. its a 15 minute walk from the beach!!! i am estatic!! we went there recently to swim and have had a hell of a time. so the last month has been mostly about me managing that. i have a job secured as a barista, i am nervous about working in a fast paced role but my bf said as long as I take my time and get orders right i'll be ok. and over the years of working jobs where i've been physically assaulted, witnessed awful tramua, etc. i've... developed a thick enough skin to handle an annoying customer or two.
i switched majors for my college degree. i have all my gen eds done, so it wasn't punishing. i decided to do info tech instead of comp sci. primarily because i'm kind of sick of earning min wage and my school is providing full funding for certs that would get me a gig that pays something livable, more immedately. vs the C.S. route where i'd have to study + apply for jobs in a cutthroat entry market for years before even earning 60k... i dunno, i've gotta work something fulltime because my mom is working two jobs at 65 and it makes me really sad. i want to be able to support her sooner rather than later.
but thats kinda boring sad stuff. stuff i do to keep my belly full + my mind clear. sadly my art took more of a backseat this month. working, studying, packing, moving the apt stuff, and some personal life things ate up so much time! jim woodring said keep your entanglements to a minimum... the last month has been the opposite of that!! but ive still been drawing, dont get me wrong. i keep my tools sharp, ive been studying my anatomy, doing my life drawing. it's just stuff i'm like, eh ive done this before, ive shared this before, i wanna do something *bigger*. so i made my comic, 'kindle'. not perfect but im so happy i made something short. making comics makes me happy, i love pushing myself even when it doesnt really come out perfect or maybe a bit fast or incomprehensible.
the only way to get better at storytelling is to tell more stories. if anyone has feedback it's very welcome, negative or positive. but i like making comics. it's like eating my cake and having it too in terms of mediums. vs. something like animation or game dev where in order to be ambitious id have to work in a big team. but with comics you hold all the cards. idk i still like animating and developing games, ever since i was young ive always bounced around and been a jack of all trades kinda gal. most anything remotely related to art or crafty, ive tried you name it. so i feel like my 20s have been more about finding my niche in terms of medium. but i've wasted too much time *thinking* about what i wanna make, instead of actually making stuff. so i won't get ahead of myself or overthink it here.
let's see, what else... i kinda got into some big drama recently, one of the things thats ate up my time. the people involved probably wouldn't appreciate it if i documented it too much in detail to the general public. but my boyfriend and i were REALLY on the rocks for like a little bit. things have healed though... i love him more than i did before. our trust has really solidified and i feel like im able to take him for granted less, too. feels like i fell in love again but stronger and more deeply, after three years. i am so, so, so lucky.
when i was a little girl all i wanted was 1. an apartment in a major metropolitan city (originally manhattan, but thats gentrified as hell now... i've loved chicago since i first visited it at 16 anyway) 2. have a wonderful boyfriend (not necessarily husband, i dont know if im the nuclear family type? pregnancy + marriage was always scary to me. but its something i go back and forth on) 3. have two dumb but also perfect cats (ive got toxoplasmosis bacteria in my brain im certain by now and every time i see my sweet fluffy young man it directly presses the oxytocin neuron in my head)
i've pretty much got all of that now and i feel pretty content. maybe if i changed anything, it'd be to work/have school less. i do want a degree just for the job security (really, ive tried the job hopping part-timer beans/rice/paint routine for years at a time... i've realized i'm no ascetic and i want stability in my life) but i know now that i have to live the day by day. i *always* make an hour in my day for something creative/self expressive.
the day to day is just perfecting survival techniques except through more layers of abstraction. everyone goes through a process of 'chameleoning' or 'code switching' to survive a given situation. but i've tried to open up to more people i meet, as unintutive as it feels, even if the things i connect on ultimately may feel superficial. because its better than casting aside any hope at all in connecting with others and i try to make the most out of my given minute. i dont know when life will be stolen away from me
art helps me return to my primordeal self. my inner child! wild and free and having fun but also cruel and unadvised by society, morality. to 'draw like a child' should be considered with caution, so many artists let that child consume them and it manifests as abusive/childish behaviors that harm others. (see picasso, gaugin...) there is much that is wonderful about cultivating the infomed lens of an adult too. i guess it's just, adults tend to use their perspective as more of a sieve, dismissing elements of their perception, instead of treating it as a whole and looking for complex connections that children cant make.
oh boy i wrote a long tangent. lots of run-ons i am not suprised if nobody wants to read. but like my mom says about dinner, it's there for you to eat but don't force yourself to eat all of it. no point in making yourself sick.
i switched majors for my college degree. i have all my gen eds done, so it wasn't punishing. i decided to do info tech instead of comp sci. primarily because i'm kind of sick of earning min wage and my school is providing full funding for certs that would get me a gig that pays something livable, more immedately. vs the C.S. route where i'd have to study + apply for jobs in a cutthroat entry market for years before even earning 60k... i dunno, i've gotta work something fulltime because my mom is working two jobs at 65 and it makes me really sad. i want to be able to support her sooner rather than later.
but thats kinda boring sad stuff. stuff i do to keep my belly full + my mind clear. sadly my art took more of a backseat this month. working, studying, packing, moving the apt stuff, and some personal life things ate up so much time! jim woodring said keep your entanglements to a minimum... the last month has been the opposite of that!! but ive still been drawing, dont get me wrong. i keep my tools sharp, ive been studying my anatomy, doing my life drawing. it's just stuff i'm like, eh ive done this before, ive shared this before, i wanna do something *bigger*. so i made my comic, 'kindle'. not perfect but im so happy i made something short. making comics makes me happy, i love pushing myself even when it doesnt really come out perfect or maybe a bit fast or incomprehensible.
the only way to get better at storytelling is to tell more stories. if anyone has feedback it's very welcome, negative or positive. but i like making comics. it's like eating my cake and having it too in terms of mediums. vs. something like animation or game dev where in order to be ambitious id have to work in a big team. but with comics you hold all the cards. idk i still like animating and developing games, ever since i was young ive always bounced around and been a jack of all trades kinda gal. most anything remotely related to art or crafty, ive tried you name it. so i feel like my 20s have been more about finding my niche in terms of medium. but i've wasted too much time *thinking* about what i wanna make, instead of actually making stuff. so i won't get ahead of myself or overthink it here.
let's see, what else... i kinda got into some big drama recently, one of the things thats ate up my time. the people involved probably wouldn't appreciate it if i documented it too much in detail to the general public. but my boyfriend and i were REALLY on the rocks for like a little bit. things have healed though... i love him more than i did before. our trust has really solidified and i feel like im able to take him for granted less, too. feels like i fell in love again but stronger and more deeply, after three years. i am so, so, so lucky.
when i was a little girl all i wanted was 1. an apartment in a major metropolitan city (originally manhattan, but thats gentrified as hell now... i've loved chicago since i first visited it at 16 anyway) 2. have a wonderful boyfriend (not necessarily husband, i dont know if im the nuclear family type? pregnancy + marriage was always scary to me. but its something i go back and forth on) 3. have two dumb but also perfect cats (ive got toxoplasmosis bacteria in my brain im certain by now and every time i see my sweet fluffy young man it directly presses the oxytocin neuron in my head)
i've pretty much got all of that now and i feel pretty content. maybe if i changed anything, it'd be to work/have school less. i do want a degree just for the job security (really, ive tried the job hopping part-timer beans/rice/paint routine for years at a time... i've realized i'm no ascetic and i want stability in my life) but i know now that i have to live the day by day. i *always* make an hour in my day for something creative/self expressive.
the day to day is just perfecting survival techniques except through more layers of abstraction. everyone goes through a process of 'chameleoning' or 'code switching' to survive a given situation. but i've tried to open up to more people i meet, as unintutive as it feels, even if the things i connect on ultimately may feel superficial. because its better than casting aside any hope at all in connecting with others and i try to make the most out of my given minute. i dont know when life will be stolen away from me
art helps me return to my primordeal self. my inner child! wild and free and having fun but also cruel and unadvised by society, morality. to 'draw like a child' should be considered with caution, so many artists let that child consume them and it manifests as abusive/childish behaviors that harm others. (see picasso, gaugin...) there is much that is wonderful about cultivating the infomed lens of an adult too. i guess it's just, adults tend to use their perspective as more of a sieve, dismissing elements of their perception, instead of treating it as a whole and looking for complex connections that children cant make.
oh boy i wrote a long tangent. lots of run-ons i am not suprised if nobody wants to read. but like my mom says about dinner, it's there for you to eat but don't force yourself to eat all of it. no point in making yourself sick.