cue resolve

[8.3.23]

haven't been writing in my journal much.. it can be an overwhelming commitment! think i will keep future entries shorter just so i can make it a consistent habit. i really like documenting my day. so this one will be more of a summary of the last month, some feelings and stuff, a little less detailed just so i can catch up. ... my boyfriend and i recently got a place in rogers park. its a 15 minute walk from the beach!!! i am estatic!! we went there recently to swim and have had a hell of a time. so the last month has been mostly about me managing that. i have a job secured as a barista, i am nervous about working in a fast paced role but my bf said as long as I take my time and get orders right i'll be ok. and over the years of working jobs where i've been physically assaulted, witnessed awful tramua, etc. i've... developed a thick enough skin to handle an annoying customer or two.

i switched majors for my college degree. i have all my gen eds done, so it wasn't punishing. i decided to do info tech instead of comp sci. primarily because i'm kind of sick of earning min wage and my school is providing full funding for certs that would get me a gig that pays something livable, more immedately. vs the C.S. route where i'd have to study + apply for jobs in a cutthroat entry market for years before even earning 60k... i dunno, i've gotta work something fulltime because my mom is working two jobs at 65 and it makes me really sad. i want to be able to support her sooner rather than later.

but thats kinda boring sad stuff. stuff i do to keep my belly full + my mind clear. sadly my art took more of a backseat this month. working, studying, packing, moving the apt stuff, and some personal life things ate up so much time! jim woodring said keep your entanglements to a minimum... the last month has been the opposite of that!! but ive still been drawing, dont get me wrong. i keep my tools sharp, ive been studying my anatomy, doing my life drawing. it's just stuff i'm like, eh ive done this before, ive shared this before, i wanna do something *bigger*. so i made my comic, 'kindle'. not perfect but im so happy i made something short. making comics makes me happy, i love pushing myself even when it doesnt really come out perfect or maybe a bit fast or incomprehensible.

the only way to get better at storytelling is to tell more stories. if anyone has feedback it's very welcome, negative or positive. but i like making comics. it's like eating my cake and having it too in terms of mediums. vs. something like animation or game dev where in order to be ambitious id have to work in a big team. but with comics you hold all the cards. idk i still like animating and developing games, ever since i was young ive always bounced around and been a jack of all trades kinda gal. most anything remotely related to art or crafty, ive tried you name it. so i feel like my 20s have been more about finding my niche in terms of medium. but i've wasted too much time *thinking* about what i wanna make, instead of actually making stuff. so i won't get ahead of myself or overthink it here.

let's see, what else... i kinda got into some big drama recently, one of the things thats ate up my time. the people involved probably wouldn't appreciate it if i documented it too much in detail to the general public. but my boyfriend and i were REALLY on the rocks for like a little bit. things have healed though... i love him more than i did before. our trust has really solidified and i feel like im able to take him for granted less, too. feels like i fell in love again but stronger and more deeply, after three years. i am so, so, so lucky.

when i was a little girl all i wanted was 1. an apartment in a major metropolitan city (originally manhattan, but thats gentrified as hell now... i've loved chicago since i first visited it at 16 anyway) 2. have a wonderful boyfriend (not necessarily husband, i dont know if im the nuclear family type? pregnancy + marriage was always scary to me. but its something i go back and forth on) 3. have two dumb but also perfect cats (ive got toxoplasmosis bacteria in my brain im certain by now and every time i see my sweet fluffy young man it directly presses the oxytocin neuron in my head)

i've pretty much got all of that now and i feel pretty content. maybe if i changed anything, it'd be to work/have school less. i do want a degree just for the job security (really, ive tried the job hopping part-timer beans/rice/paint routine for years at a time... i've realized i'm no ascetic and i want stability in my life) but i know now that i have to live the day by day. i *always* make an hour in my day for something creative/self expressive.

the day to day is just perfecting survival techniques except through more layers of abstraction. everyone goes through a process of 'chameleoning' or 'code switching' to survive a given situation. but i've tried to open up to more people i meet, as unintutive as it feels, even if the things i connect on ultimately may feel superficial. because its better than casting aside any hope at all in connecting with others and i try to make the most out of my given minute. i dont know when life will be stolen away from me

art helps me return to my primordeal self. my inner child! wild and free and having fun but also cruel and unadvised by society, morality. to 'draw like a child' should be considered with caution, so many artists let that child consume them and it manifests as abusive/childish behaviors that harm others. (see picasso, gaugin...) there is much that is wonderful about cultivating the infomed lens of an adult too. i guess it's just, adults tend to use their perspective as more of a sieve, dismissing elements of their perception, instead of treating it as a whole and looking for complex connections that children cant make.

oh boy i wrote a long tangent. lots of run-ons i am not suprised if nobody wants to read. but like my mom says about dinner, it's there for you to eat but don't force yourself to eat all of it. no point in making yourself sick.

to see life as fun and take it if we can!

[6.2.23]

i had an amazing day visitng my family!!! holy moly i don't regret this trip one bit. i was worried i would because... things were tenser last time i was around. but i think the distance has made everyone appreciate each other more + miss one another more. theres graditude in the air...

the night i came back i just talked to my mom a ton and i forgot how much i have in common with her... talking about art, gardening, animals, the past. she taught me to love those things + cherish them. there are still some things i can tell she tunes out of (like when i go on about politics or like fun facts) but for the most part, ever since she's been tapered off her meds, she feels more geniune. more relaxed. more engaged, than she used to be.
my mom made her mistakes but she really does love me. she got me a couple vintage tees from my neighbor totoro, pokemon, kirby-- my favorite childhood media for my birthday. and my mom doesn't make much money, so the fact she still went out of her way to get me something + to be greeted with that and a clean bedroom coming home... so thoughtful and kind. she also makes me food haha. i think she has more mental freedom now that she's happier in life, a bit, free from my dad.

we went antiquing together today and found some rad shit!!! i got her this awesome chinese dragon puppet with a hand crank that moves and bites the air when you move it as an early bday gift. i also got her boyfriend who i am close with a couple gifts too cuz it's his birthday also and thats part of why im visiting. his son and his gf(wife)? are also over and theyre cool, we just smoked pot and bonded over 2000s cartoons/pets together. they like to bike and theyre good cooks. i'd like to see them open up more, i feel like we have stuff in common. they liked my drawings.

umm what else... i went outside and played with the dogs. they haven't changed much, still cute as fuck, hyper + food obsessed. my mom's cat still likes to spoon with me after a year of not seeing her which surprised me. she's still boss and the house mouser.
also, today i took a dip in the "hillbilly hottub" my mom's bf made out of his childhood hottub and a friend's homemade water heater w/ gas. it was awesome!! he carved out a spot out of a big patch of shrubs so youve got a little privacy and youre surrounded by leaves as you chill with a margarita. no bug repellent candles so i was absolutely eaten by mosquitos LOL and had to get out. oh well. it was ultimately comfy.

i went through old photo albums, as is ritual when you're visitng your family home. (my mom moved 4 years ago, so it's not my original house, but it certainly feels like it with all my old stuff in it.) seeing myself as a little girl, i think i have managed to keep that part of me. i think picasso said that all children are artists, the trouble is staying one when you grow up. most of the pictures in old photos thematically feature animals, nature, swimming, drawing + dressing up. things i still love. in pictures i was always so extra too! i still love to embarass myself through singing and dancing and drawing wild pictures. i loved going through my childhood drawings, i plan to upload them here sometime. i got sad because i treated her so horribly sometimes! but we all have children inside us who deserve forgiveness and patience. not espouse cheesy self-help plaitudes or anything... i've gotta figure out how to word that in a way that people can believe it!

today it really hurt to see a shower chair in my parents shower. my heart wrenches with guilt when i think about how much ingraditude ive shown them. i made sure to tell my mom today she is/was a good mom and i love her.

it's ok

[6.1.23]

today i will be flying to see my mom in western washington for the first time in a year. i lived near her for two years right before moving to IL this year... i doubt much has changed. my mom really has matured though, maybe she will be easier to talk to than from when i last saw her. i really have been missing her. ...

having some distance from my mom gave me more perspective on having sympathy for her. i used to have a lot of problems with my mom and some of her previous atittudes, she really didn't take my dad's death well, as well as my dad's death trudged up some other contentions i had with the way she raised me. but it's a lot easier to accept now, that we are just lost and confused people trying to build the best future out of the experiences we have. i think my mom managed to give me a better foundation for growth and openess than what was handed to her. i've been criticized for cutting her too much slack, but what else do i do, if i don't want the past to weigh on my mind, right? i have to find reasons to forgive and, faults in my own behavior, wherever i can. and i think my mom has become more open and accepting of her own faults in a similar way, which has led to us having a more honest relationship. i don't feel like i'm walking on eggshells anymore.
the last couple days since my trip i have been enjoying doing absolutely nothing. i've just been cleaning the house, finding homes for the trinkets i got, eating, reading outside, enjoying my cats. the last month, due to having to share transportation and having conflicting hours with my boyfriend, has prevented me from spending more than a couple hours a day at home, the rest spent outside in the park or in panera bread waiting to be picked up. actually, that bordeom fueled my ambition to make this site, so here we are.

its very good to be bored. i think a surrounding noisy, billboard and traffic light packed landscape + smartphone usage prevents bordeom which is really bad for creativity, let alone relaxation. i read about a couple of folk artists, clarence + grace woolsey, who although never considered themselves artists, were inspired to create after being locked inside during a winter storm with not much but a crapload of bottlecaps. then they created these epic sculptures of bears and rabbits and stuff, kind of alien looking but super pleasing to look at. they all got sold to some dealer for nothing and then were resold among rich ppl for like thousands, they didn't see a penny. kind of how it goes with outsider/folk art sadly. at least theyre conserved.

brainrot green leaf eyeache

[5.30.23]

just came back from road trip. sleep deprived, couldn't sleep. i enjoyed cleaning the house and doing the dishes at 5am though.
istening to nondi_ on soundcloud cause their tracks are so good. my cats have been very attatched, felix has been laying on my lap ever since i got home, applesauce greeting me throughout the day with lots of licks on my face.
...

last week was my birthday. i went with some friends to a sushi bar and i went hiking with my boyfriend for a couple days in starved rock over the last couple days. it was amazing, i love my friends. i feel calmer and happier, overall, at 23.
sometimes i worry about hints of something insidiously making its way up me as i grow older. like, im getting pushed out of my own skin by the stuff i keep putting away, keep ignoring, to be more responsible, be more stoic, be more 'present'.

i don't know if my mental health is getting better or i am more at peace with the thoughts, emotions, and impulses that posess me that i decide not to act upon. i don't know what of this peaceful, seemingly pensive nature i am really in possession of or just beligerliently forcing myself into so that i can take care of others. it keeps circling back to being this burden on people. i'm trying to tone down my desperation to be comforted and understood. after a certain point after beating yourself up for the same things it just gets repetitive and annoying, doesn't it? it's time to move on, because people can't always keep up with what you're upset about. reconcile with yourself...
when i'm alone by myself, all my experiences compound and are fed into my vision on a conveyor belt, waiting to be unpackaged. that probably sounds like me trying to sound smart but i promise you i just feel the need to pick apart things. it gives me security and i also find it interesting i guess.

these thoughts come to me when i am sleep deprived. i try not to make desicions in this state of mind but it does expose to me what i am "primed" to think or what is going on in the "preliminary" processing center of my stinky little brain.
i have never had friends like this before and am fearful because it's all i dreamed of. it took a lot of effort to let go of the idea of connecting with others and i guess the oppertunity has been dropped at my feet now. i literally couldn't ask for better people to be around. acknolwedging that has like given me vertigo sometimes, jsut these random drops in blood pressure and i go walleyed for a minute, lol. too mushc cognitive dissonance. i don't want to get too close, but i do too.

visiting my mom + her boyfriend i'm close with on thurs. maybe that will be nice

my place among others

[5.23.23]

today i had a long day at my work at a nature preserve. i was talking and chatting to a group of participants and i found myself, willfully interacting with people. starting conversations, teasing, interacting, asking questions... usually these are things I am too sad or jaded to feel myself with the impulse to do. i always kind of thought eternally i would be plagued to be this lonely, cynical, miserable person, kind of never able to connect with others due to the size of her own ego and too much narcissistic self concern for herself and her future. too high and mighty, what's an artist doing here interacting among common people! but i think the last couple years of, meditating, pushing myself to be open with others, to be more curious and less judgemental, i think i have literally faked it until i made it. because it felt so natural....

i felt so at ease, talking with people, i didn't worry about how they were judging me and i wasn't exhausting myself mentally by using so much energy to withhold judgement from them. not that i was a social butterfly, necessarily, but i am usually the kind of person to keep a distance from others and today i wasn't. i was like any other normal person. and that is strange and new to me, having had my identity grounded upon for so long my own sense of hostility towards the world, myself, and others. i mean, i am used to faking it, forcing it, this kindness, but never before has it felt so natural, and so in the moment too! i am so glad i have changed, because i love interacting with people now. there is so much to be missed by dismissing others.. let other people know you and they will surprise you with what you have in common, right?

something i did that helped me realize this was, when i was feeling myself get bothered by a participant, L. i realized it could be anxious energy manifesting itself as irritation. so i decided to play tag with him to relieve stress. not only did he enjoy this, but other participants joined in and helped him blow off the extra steam. then everyone got tired out and i was able to get a little space, without making him feel left out and without me feeling like i'm needlessly being a killjoy to someone just trying to poke fun, harmlessly.

there was one participant, T, who had like, hundreds of videos on her phone of her using various snapchat filters and doing decent impressions of characters. i found it really endearing and charming, also funny. and though i don't really approve of social media sites like tiktok, at least she is able to bring herself some innocent entertainment. i don't need to explain to people the harm of social media apps anyway, people can find that for themselves and hell, most people know that social media doesn't have pure intentions anyway... why remind them of something they already know. it's not necessary, and it's their choice.

i learned how to grass whistle today. my coworker taught me--- you put a piece of grass between your thumbs, make sure it is taut so that it cuts the air when you blow into it. i made my participant P laugh, and he is a big quiet autistic guy who usually never interacts of his own accord.