i have felt pretty down about myself... comparing myself to others. it is a chronic issue i have. it used to overrule me and interrupt me from doing what i want to do and need to do, thankfully thats not the case at present. it's still worth it to try, to try to improve oneself in their abilities than to not try at all. there will always be someone ahead of you.

but the people i like and admire, i want to have conversations with, i always feel like i'm talking out of my depth and scope. and like i can't contribute anything. so i just don't want to share anything at all. i really wish i could feel equal to other people. but i just feel like i'm always a step behind. all i can return is a listening ear. but even then i feel so dumb, i'm always at a loss for what questions to ask. it's like my ears are full of concrete and i can't parse the things people talk about, so i can't make conversation. i freeze up when i am presented with something way out of my depth.

i was called pseudointellectual recently and it really hurt. i know i am not a very smart or well read person so why does it hurt, rationally it really shouldn't, i know these things and it's good to stay humble. i just wish i wasn't that way, that i had the resources to devote myself to self study and furthering myself and figuring out the answers to life. my friends are so far ahead of me in knowledge and self expression. i feel like a child approaching everyone, never an equal.

i have been reading camus' the plague. there is a character, a government clerk (couldn't remember so looked it up just now) who i really relate to. he feels inferior to everyone around him, he can only contribute so little, his organizational skills and document-keeping. and he loathes himself because he does not know how to express himself, that is his biggest plight. it manifests as, he never makes any assertive statements, never even to implicate his opinion as possessing the smallest amount of dominion or authority over another's. of course, he's also dirt poor and his pittance only measilier as the cost of living rises. but he can't assert himself, so he tries to resign to a more ascetic life.

i liked reading about him cause it feels a lot like my own circumstances. the role in life i play is so minor i really just stand in everyone elses shadow. i have a minimum wage job, i go to school, i make my lunches and grocery shop on weekends. i don't hop trains or spend all my days studying in deep thought.

the clerk longs to express himself... he has no respect from others in his waking life. he feels like the author is on another plane, they can walk into a room and hold themselves upright. i feel the same way about being an artist. i have no point in which i feel i can hold my head high. every work of my own doesn't compromise something greater, i wouldn't be able to put anything into a gallery, i present nothing than collections of casual drawings.

but i'm working on that. i'm working on something much larger right now, more than a doodle, something i could frame if it went right.

the thing is i don't know if i will ever stop feeling this way, for as long as i live. i feel inferior to everyone, and whoever i bring up the topic with, i can tell they find it bothersome. i just feel like a little fly trying to buzz around someone to navigate and i am such a bother it is better to not worry about the fate of the fly and brush me away. there are many flies in the world without navigation and there are too many to simply focus on one.

i don't like writing self piteous entries like these much, they feel self indulgent especially if i over-engage with the same issue. resolve comes from reading and experiences, those combined will give me convinction. but in my present state, i'm just nothing. my convinctions are, i'm not much of anything, but i think thats okay. i have other things to offer, just like the clerk does, even if theyre very minor and fleeting.

the father i work for at my babysitting job thanked me with suprising sincerity, he said i made his summer. i am glad i helped a person, even at the cost of my own selfish interests. when i am present with others and helping them it reminds me that it is a futile distraction to hate myself while others need me, even in endeavors that seem small.

but i haven't had the courage to do anything with. but giving them life and a setting has been very satisfying. i've written a script (after rewriting the draft multiple times) and i've started to make work on the page layouts/thumbnails. pretty excited to see a story slowly spring to life. it won't be my best project but it's good to write and get experience.

i've been reading greek mythology. very dense, intricate stories. sometimes dry. i thought it was funny that the trojan war was all cause a bunch of guys wanted the literal cutest woman for their wife and were salty that some rando managed to swoop in and take her from her husband just cause the aphrodite says so. squeezed out of the bro allegiance that war wouldn't be waged over this lady.

when i first read the premise it felt so silly i had to reread it a couple times. but it's very human to wage a ten year war for the sake of satisfying personal desire and ego. it's been interesting to read these stories and remember scenes in media i've watched that made cultural references to them.

like when circe turns odysessus' men into swine after they dine at her table. i think spirited away, the scene with chihiro's parents turning into pigs after eating the food at the spirt's street market might've been a reference to the odyssey. then in the spongebob movie, aeolus' bag of winds is referenced (and of course, posedion himself makes cameos everywhere. but i think the bag of winds was much more subtle).

i know miyazaki canonically has been inspired by greek mythology for his own stories. nausicaa being a prime example, he mentions it in an interview in his book starting point. i've been enjoying familiarizing myself with the classics. after engaging with mostly contemporary stuff from the last 20 years or so for so long it's been so cool to satisfy a developing curiousity about stories historically considered "the best".

this weekend i went to the glenwood arts festival. i had a really good time, i bought a pair of earrings i'm really in love with. i should get into the habit of sharing pictures on here. i'll take one sometime.

something else i've been beginning to look into is vintage clothing brands. since i've been poor for a long time i haven't had many oppertunities to question my wardrobe or really revaluate how i express myself through fashion. maybe it's a bit materialistic but i think it's important to wear clothes you feel dignified in and identify with. as long as you aren't just throwing them away or cycling through them, following fast fashion practices. for the last 5 years or so i've pretty much just worn t shirts and jeans 99 percent of the time. if i'm going out sometimes i'll put on a nice skirt and button up shirt. but most of my wardrobe is extremely basic since i dont wear anything i care about, having mostly worked manual labor.

since i'll probably be getting into IT soon/more office style work i've been excited to look into getting some really nice clothes. by that i mean, shopping true vintage brands that are better quality/intended to last for a long time/made of better materials, and also be *really* mindful of what i'm buying, be responsible with my money and don't cheap out but spend it well. can i really see myself wearing this on a routine basis for the next 5 or 10 years until its too worn out to be wearable anymore?

i've heard of a way approaching your wardrobe, 'french style' supposedly? so, buy only 5 pieces that you really *love* every year. maximum. and generally only buy things you love and think about if you sincerely need to have more than, 3-4 skirts. i think thats a good rule, prevents overindulgence. i might need to thin out my wardrobe a little more..

and i should be learning new things. i'm not a very smart or well educated person. after having put so much of my time into my artwork, i've built a visual vocabulary instead of a written one. for much of my life i have felt like a side character. i used to think of that in a disparaging way, like i can't be the main character in my own life, always complacently watching what happens. but lots of interesting things happen when you are ordained as side character b. maybe i will find it's worth speaking when i feel like i have interesting things to say.

if thats the case, why am i writing this journal entry? to organize my thoughts really so i am better at articulating them. when i say stuff in person i can't be as thoughtful or refine it, i am full of self-contradictions and guesses. theres more accountability for prescicion and consiceness when i journal, skills that hopefully if i practice them here will emerge in my speech.

i've been reading the preserving machine by phillip k. dick. i pick out my books via friend reccomendations or, i literally just judge by the cover/title. i've been enjoying it, his writing kind of reminds me of the SCP wiki. although his writings came first so maybe the idea of who is inspired by whom is the other way around. all of his short stories are creative, engaging.. and they don't give me a headache to try and read. so it's been a nice break from edith hamilton's mythology which has been really dense and hard to digest. my favorite story was the very first, the machine that preserves classical music by turning them into animals. i do wonder what a mozart bird would look like, even though classical music isn't really my thing. i just liked the message that things will change no matter how hard you try to preserve them, it's a natural fact of life things will change, for better or worse.

i saw my cousin this weekend and we went to the beach together. it was a fun, relaxed time but i probably came off as a turbo autist. spending any of my time outside work as anything less is silly though. i already have to put on a face for 30-40 hours a week, i won't spend a second longer trying to pretend to be more functioning than that. but i think she enjoyed herself, we connected over experiences with private school and conformity, acknowledging that the best in life is pretty much always found in the simple. i loved swimming, i want to spend every weekend swimming for the rest of my life.

in comparison to my older jobs, my current jobs have been super easy. for example, we went to an animal sanctuary yesterday and i got to pet an OPPOSSUM. i could not contain my excitement, i really love animals and nature so i had a blast. i got to see a beautiful green heron perched in the swamplands. the only thing i could complain about is my jobs feeling a bit isolating. i have to feign excitement about things like playing UNO inside all day for example. i think thats just sort of nature of the beast with a day job sometimes.

my barista job in the city is all lined up and ready to go. i researched transit routes, ironed out my scheduling and everything. i am not so excited to accustom myself to the fast paced nature of such a job, however, working in a coffee house is pretty exciting. i like coffee and making drinks sounds fun! so i look forward to that (and i get to work short hours for more pay--tips!). i look forward to meeting new coworkers + locals. i'll give it my best.

i'm visiting my cousin this weekend and we're gonna go to the beach together, i liked her a lot last time i hung out with her. so i think that'll go well too!

after we finished up we went out for a walk and to eat. it was pouring rain so we were more or less drenched. we got bubble tea (yes i know very basic but its good!!!) and then sandwiches at a grocery store only a five minute walk away. they tasted extra good when sheltered from the rain and exhausted from carrying boxes up four flights of stairs. i liked the matcha flavor but i kinda prefer the jasmine one.

there was a prairie full of flowers near the beach we walked through. really lush and green day. i love how rogers park is packed, literally, with native prairie around every corner. i thought i would have to sacrifice seeing much nature to live in a city.

at home we took a shower and watched dr. strangelove together. so incredibly comfortable, even with such a grim movie. i liked how, despite myself being totally removed from the historical context it was intended for and made in, it still made me laugh. i didn't realize until then how much psychological weight a comedy could communicate and impact its viewers with. the whole movie i kept switching between grief, fear and laughter. i've never had a movie do that to me before... spoilers ahead if it wasn't obvious

i liked how good kubrick was at characterization through reaction of given circumstances. also how every character felt like simutanteously a different facet of a greater cultural critique yet not a sterotype, like he was demonstrating through real people the pitfalls of war planning and nationalism. major kong riding the bomb is just cut and clear the irony that comes with "winning" a war, there is no winning, there is only slaughter. that was the message in full metal jacket too.

i'm not very good at summarizing my thoughts on these things so forgive me if i still sound kind of dumb. i'm still practicizing on individually deriving meaning from things.

what else.. after that we went for another walk near the beach, and we got a pizza. i couldn't believe there were fireflies out but there were. i guess they love the tall grasses! then i read more greek mythology at home. ive been reading the book by edith hamilton. my favorite story so far was the one about Hephaestus. probably obvious why, but i just relate to feeling disposable and the only value you offer others being through your craft. the hero stuff like the tale of the golden fleece has been real fun too. it can be kind of convoluted and hard to follow though, so probably worth a re-read. but i definetely enjoyed reading it the first time.

in other news, i've decided to eliminate social media's commodifying grasp on my self expression entirely. i've deleted my patreon + my twitter will be left up as an archive and an alternative way for people to reach out to me (i get notifications about dms through my email). i just... i dont get anything out of social media! it's the parking lot of human relationships. meant to shuttle people in and out like cattle, only to the benefit of private enterprises and to the deteriorating mental health of the individual + at the cost of the natural world around them! why use social media when you can replace it with local meetups, personal websites, slower web forums that promote deeper discussion and a sense of community. (i registered for a melonland account recently!)

okay, that was kind of a mouthful.. i'll stop for now. I really do intend to make my posts shorter, cuz this was so much to get out of my head! but you know what i just keep typing til it feels right. i need to go for a run now.