dream diary..

basically i'm going on holiday and i'm invited to stay at a family's house. and its a big, white, very 50s nuclear type family. they are very obviously "fake", like mannequins, and have pasted on smiles. I sit a dinner table and they pass around food for a thanksgiving feast. i feel scared and trapped in the ritual at first, but then realize i dont have to participate if i don't want to. i get up from the table and go outside. the family doesn't seem to notice i've left and continues the ritual.

there are lots of beautiful swaying palm trees. i traverse down a hillside and some steps that lead to a beach. some old friends of mine and my partner are already there, near the tall grasses, away from the waves, waving hello. i wave back from a distance but i dont feel the urge to go to them, i just know they're okay. i see the water and there are lots of children playing.

i'm concerned for their safety so decide to accompany them. i end up enjoying their company and decide to join in on the play, splashing, having them ride on my shoulders. some seabirds land in the water next to us and we pet them. the dream ends.

my memory of this dream is a little sparse, i really should've written it as soon as i woke up. lately, i've noticed i dont feel the urge to impress others anymore nor follow social conventions for the sake of self preservation. i guess since i've stopped myself from drawing for so long my mind has become more comfortable with more public forms of self expression. i feel braver, less afraid of being alone. i care a lot less about what others think. and the birds in this dream came towards me this time instead of away. i hope that means i still have hope of preserving my integrity, enjoying my life but finding practical ways of practicing sincerity and humanism in a world conductive to dishonesty and swindling.

I had a dream involving u
I lived at my old house again and i was totally alone on christmas, u were the only person to send me a gift
In the mail u sent me a giant Tupperware container full of baby ducklings
And for some reason u told me i could only open it on a cloudy or rainy day
It was raining the day u sent it so i opened it
All of them were hungry some of them were dead
I frantically looked for ways to take care of them but i couldnt even turn on the lights to keep them warm, each one i turned on blew out and i was forced to live in the dark
Then lots of different animals came marching through my room, zoo animals, domestic etc etc
And they led me to look outside my window where i saw in my old swimming pool lots of baby swans
When they noticed me they all swam away

i interpret it as like, my fear about preserving my innocence
because preserving my innocence also means preserving my artistic freedom
i see you as someone who above all else manages to guard their artistic freedom and practices sincerity above all else
so i wonder if you sending me the ducklings was sort of me wanting to share that ability, to guard my innocence, to not get distracted superficial/material matters and remember what is most important to me
and of course, me not being able to keep them warm, just feels like my frantic failures in preserving my sense of self
random and out of my control
and i think the baby swans swimming away is sort of like me feeling dissapointed with my own efforts
to balance my artistic life with my "adult" responsibilities
because right now my artistic life is very neglected
i know when i come back itll be with a vengeance. but after 50hrs a week of studying and working im tired

the first one is fairly short and straightforward. i meet a girl randomly, we start getting along, she invites me to her front yard to hang out and talk about anime. she has a miku lawn ornament, and some stickers on her car of various vocaloid and popular anime characters. it was nice, we made cosplays together and went to a comic convention. we become friends.

i used to have a friend like this in real life, but we had quite an age gap and i think it deterred her from getting closer i guess. i wasn't cool enough. i mean which kind of makes sense, it was significant enough that it'd be like hanging out with a 11 year old little sister. but i remember really craving friendship from her. i didnt have any friends at school at the time and we shared a lot of interests. she sort of just hung out with me i think, cause it was encouraged by my caregiver at the time.

so yeah the interpretation is obvious. i want a girl friend i can have fun with and go to events and things to. i'm really lonely in real life, my fiance is my only friend and we kind of have opposite schedules right now so many of my waking hours are spent alone or at work. i sort of have work friends at work but, we're not close enough to hang out after work or anything. after this dream, i just wanted to go back to sleep, and spend more time with this imaginary friend.

i feel embarassed, i turn 24 next year and, i still dont have many real life friends. i guess thats how i stay so dedicated to this blog, it's my only offerance of a parasocial relationship.

the second dream takes place at my old boarding school. well, more like the neighboring town. i'm a cashier and we aren't allowed to talk or speak or laugh. the rules are very strict, we cant look people in the eyes and we are all in a straight little line. customers enjoy themselves, buy drinks, chat with each other. in defiance, i decidedly run away, and the place gets burned to the ground after i leave. i didn't set it on fire, but an accident or something just happened, simutaneously.

i run away to the woods and find myself in nature. i'm among valleys, tall grasses, swaths of coniferous and deciduous trees, in the rural northeast america. it's spring and wildflowers of various types of aster, babys breath, and thistle have settled and sprung from the crevices of rocks.

i meet some old classmates there, except theyre my friends. there is a group of 3-4 people waiting for me, and we go hiking together. the sky is very blue. when we go back home, we settle in a cathedral and sleep in its corridors, almost like squatters. we sleep at a top floor, it looks down into a great courtyard below paved with beautiful circular patterns of brick. i should draw it.

my boss from the "cashier" job follows me, so does her husband, they try to commend me back to work. i push her out the window, she flies away like a vulture.

yeah, i really miss hiking and being in nature. it was difficult to wake up from this one. i really loved the setting, i wanted to go back and explore that cathedral more and those prairies. it also reflects sort of, the nature of how i feel about work, which is tied down, no matter which way i construe it. but i could be a spoiled child that way. certainly, being homeless is not preferable, nor should it be some romantic ideal.

but i already starve myself because i am depressed at home. would there be much of a difference if i scavanged for food from dumpsters sometimes i wonder. sorry if this comes across as insenstitive to people who really know the reality, i'm just airing my naive, speculative thoughts.

so its hard to remember but, i was in my old house. i was trying to pay for it by "lightly prostituting" myself, that is, i didnt offer copulative services but ones where i would be paid to love someone via kissing, hugging, writing letters, going on dates. i did this from a convienence store. i remember feeling disgusted with myself coming back home.

when i came back i had some people i have never met before in my real life as friends, and they were helping me clean out my basement. i remember feeling grateful, but also wondering if they had ulterior motives in helping me, like nobody could be this kind without being expectant of something in return. there was a line of men outside expectantly waiting for me to go back on shift, so i wondered if they all wanted the same thing.

in my basement were many of my old childhood things. i was searching for my "rock collection", one of my favorite childhood objects-- it was just an assemblage of different types of polished and native ore rocks and gems essentially that came with their corresponding identifications. quartz, tigers eye, moonstone. but it was missing. i asked my "friends" if they had seen it and they hadnt.

i went upstairs from the basement to take a break, to find an endless grassy mown pasture. i was unable to explore it as there were two sets of wire fence and a moat that seperated me from the endless fields. while i was looking at the vista beyond, i turned to find a (real person i knew) former friend of mine holding my rock collection, he had walked from around the corner. he had gotten older, even though i was the same age, they looked like they were in their 50s and their hair and beard had gotten long and salt and peppery. he threw a piece of tigers eye to me, one of my favorite stones, but also a silver nugget that was very pure and shined very brightly. he said something to me. i kept trying to parse what he said, i kept begging him to repeat it. but he left. he took my rock collection with him.

i woke up very sad. but also very motivated. i realized if i dont finish my comic, i dont think i'll ever be able to let go of what happened. it has to be made whether it is good or not.the imaginative space is the only way i really let go of these things and stop thinking about them.