spending my days and why

i've been wanting to be more careful with what i put my time into. i've spent a lot of my life distracting myself from like the responsibility of the desicions i make. part of my internet/screen addiction i think sort of manifests from this desire to have infinite time. the internet feels like an all encompassing vortex where i dont have a body, i dont need to consider my own decay, i dont need to look at the deepening lines in my wrists, i dont have to shower with the lights off.

but i know i only have one life. i've been reading 4000 weeks by oliver burkeman. im not talkig about time managament as a way to maximize "productivity" or whatever, but general fufillment. i've wasted too much of my youth aimlessly clicking and scrolling, getting distracted by things i find at most lukewarm when i really think about them. but i forgive myself because i see these experiences as symptoms of my depression. to address what im really interested in, i have to love myself.. i have to have faith in the value of my own life. if i don't, what value is there in deciding what i spend time on?

i won't blame myself for having no self esteem. my parents were absent for half of my childhood and i was accompanied by a rotary of babysitters. i never had a stable mother figure for most of my childhood, just one who would dissapear for periods of time as she needed (often in and out of hospitals). and my father was basically absent all together, the message frequently communicated to me that his work was more important than forming any kind of bond. this combined with being bullied very consistently throughout school culiminated in feeling deeply lonely. but being able to accept loneliness as a condition for individuality, and even an aspect of life to balance and enjoy, is a point of growth... i take the love i have in my life now less for granted.

i'm happy i was able to push through that cycle so now i can spend my life maybe making things that will empower and further understanding in others. i hate this emphasis thats present in society on the individual. a lot of the things that happen to you arent your fault. it's your responsibility to react to events, and manage them, but not to control them as they come. your job is to take the pain of the arrow and not die from the shock. so with this in mind i've been thinking about the things that really give me that "full" feeling. not of absentminded, dreamlike distractedness, where i'm so absent in my mind and life i may as well be dead. but where i feel present and like, i'm making little grooves on the column extending into infinite time. they are tiny grooves that maybe nobody will see, that will be forgotten in the columns infinte length, but i get to die knowing they're there.

for the last couple years it's been less about focusing on what i want and moreso how will i immediately survive. all those things piled on me, i could barely get through the day. but i'm trying to think of my life from the perspective of my deathbed. what should i do...? what do i want..? what would i regret...? I wanna make a list of things like, i should do exclusively with my time because, i have the tendency to be distracted from what i know is really meaningful to me.

Well i like… writing a lot. Obviously. I do it all the time. Texting, blogging, organizing and expelling thoughts. Its the best way to challenge them.. To structure them. I’ve never regretted writing. I’m furthering my ideas! I’m not a good writer… probably. Honestly i just do it out of the convenience factor, information can be conveyed much more densely and quickly than drawing. So it’s good for bursts of thoughts that i want to wrangle into shape.

Ive never regretted drawing. Even when it turns out badly, i’ve eliminated a possible option to make way for better ones. Improving is just endless refinement of my ideas. I could never look back and say oh, i wasted so much time at that bad idea… well its good to have tried, its good to learn to commit to things. And its nice to materialize parts of you. And i get to see people interact with that, versus language, which i am worse at than drawing. thats the fufillment drawing gives me.

I like reading. Even though its really hard and sometimes i don’t fully understand what im reading. Its like having access to a million different grades of sandpaper for your brain. A million different perspectives… you can consume and subsume into your own. To endlessly pursue the truth. And doing that is the most virtuous thing in my eyes. I know you can never achieve a full understanding of the world but cultivating it and resisting stagnation, makes life meaningful to me…

Going outside. Going for walks and feeling fresh air.. Hiking, biking, running and using my body. Engaging with my senses. I dont even need to explain this one. Theres no point in being able to explain things if youre also not able to just enjoy things plainly firsthand. Such a blue sky! there are lots of experiences the spontaneity of life gives you that you just can’t get secondhand through a book. Traveling especially… its so riveting to go somewhere new. I love consuming art! Looking at lots of art. All kinds… comics, anime, drawings, by other people. It has the same appeal as reading.